What If Love Isn’t The Most Important Thing?

In December I ended a relationship with a fantastic man, Chris. Chris is a man who is so incredibly kind, generous and playful. A man who make me laugh, enjoy life and have fun like I never have before. From slacklining and board games, to a lantern festival and a boxing match and all the way across the country on a roadtrip to Los Angeles.

We experienced the highs of adventuring through life, as well as the lows when he was by my side after putting down my cat of 12 years. We explored life together with incredible fullness and presence. We held space for growth within each other. We pushed our boundaries together and challenged perspectives. We held hands sauntering around the lake and encouraged each other on the side of a literal cliff.

Which, of course, begs the question — why did it end? Why did I end things with someone I genuinely cared for? For a myriad of reasons, all with the same general conclusion: as much as I care for Chris (yes, that is written in the present tense on purpose), I know we’re not meant to be together in a romantic sense for the long-run.

We’re taught from birth that when we love someone, we must be with that person and commit to them forever. Because we love them we should stay with them and we should make it work, no matter what, for ever and ever and ever. When you love someone, you do whatever it takes to make it last. But, what if it’s not supposed to last?

When the time comes, I will not be getting married because of love. I do not believe love should be the qualifier for a long term commitment. As my good friend Jessica Day reflected to me recently, it’s time for our culture and our society to think beyond love. Despite all we’re told, love is not all you need for a lasting, successful relationship.

Love is easy for me. Loving other people is what I do. I have loved often. I have loved deeply. I have loved hard. I have loved many. Yet, none of the men I’ve felt love for or experienced a loving connection with have been a great match for me.

The intersection of love and commitment has been a theme I have explored since I was in my 20's. My college boyfriend and I were talking marriage. We were talking futures. I loved him and that was the obvious next step, right?

Yet, I knew deep in the pit of my soul that a marriage with him would end up in misery on one or both of our parts. But I loved him. Fuck, I loved him.

I loved him so much I got back together with him four times {after having broken up with him four times}. It was always the same cycle: we loved each other, we’d share our visions for our futures and then we’d come to a gridlock. He wanted kids, while I didn’t. He wanted to stay in the midwest, while I wanted to explore the world. He wanted to stay on the well worn path, while I wanted to forge my own path.

These conversations between us would always remind me of that deep knowing I carried within me — we weren’t compatible in the long run. My young self found it difficult to rectify this understanding of truth within me alongside the cultural narratives mentioned above. I loved him, which meant we should try to make it work, right?

Wrong. I finally called it quits for the fifth {and final} time in the summer of 2004 when I began to see through the illusion and come to an incredible understanding — love is not what a long-term commitment should be based upon.

If I did in fact love him, it was time to set him free to create the life he desired. A life which was not possible with me. And if I loved myself, I’d set myself free to create the life I desired, which was not possible with him. This was the first time I began to understand how two people can have love for each other and not be meant for one another.

Now, I know there are some people reading this thinking I’m a cold, heartless bitch who will only get married for the sake of convenience and never having to compromise.

Please don’t get me wrong.

Compromise is an absolutely necessary ingredient for relationships. But there is compromise…. And then there is giving up a part of who you are in order to make the needs of another person a the highest priority. The problem with the latter is that it requires you to reject your needs for the needs of another person.

That’s not love.

Love does involve compromise. Love does not ask you become a different person or change the essence of who you are.

I will love my husband like I’ve never loved anyone before. A full body, mind and soul kind of love. A love that is palpable. And it will be built upon a solid foundation of shared values that honor who we both are and what we both need to feel fulfilled in our lives.

Have you ever noticed how we never see the follow up movies to romantic comedies that show the couple miserable because they couldn’t get over their fundamental value differences? How it’s easier for these narratives to stick to the surface level stuff without digging into what really matters in relationship?

These movies don’t cover what happens when you find out you don’t want the same things in life that your partner wants. They don’t address how to navigate differences in lifestyle choices and relationship styles.

Now, I’m not talking about one person liking rap music and the other liking country. I’m talking intrinsic core values.

What I learned at a very young age is there’s no compromise between my need to be childfree and my boyfriend’s need to be a father. There’s no way to explain the longing of my soul to move to Italy at the age of 20 to someone who wants to stay in their backyard for the rest of their life.

And no amount of love can fix that discord. No amount of love can (or should!) change who I am or who he is.

There are just certain things which one should never compromise in a relationship — the big things. Love cannot bring peace and fulfillment to a person who has given up who they are.

Believe me, there have been so many times I’ve questioned this. So many times I’ve stayed too long in a relationship thinking I might be wrong. So many times I’ve wanted to ignore who I am to make it easier.

But the truth is…. There is nothing easier than being me. And when I find someone who fits with me like the most perfectly constructed puzzle piece — I am going to love him more than I even realized I was capable of.

A few weeks after we broke up, Chris sent me a thank you note (in the mail, no less) with a simple message of appreciation, “Thank you for the most perfect adventure.”

It triggered me in so many ways. My heart was raw. I cried for at least three days after receiving it, a combination of sadness in the ending and gratitude for being able to experience closure filled with respect and celebration.

Soon after Chris and I connected on Facebook Live in January to talk about ending our relationship with love and appreciation. We talked about why we stayed together an extra two months after knowing we were heading towards our ending. We talked about our mutual respect for one another, how we each grieved and why we ultimately called it quits.

Of course there were people that didn’t understand it. The bulk of messages I received afterwards were along the lines of, “I can tell you still have chemistry and care about each other. You should get back together. You’re going to get married — I just know it.”

We do still have chemistry. We definitely still care for each other. And, we’re not meant to be together.

“Love is not self-sacrifice, but the most profound assertion of your own needs and values.” -Ayn Rand